This picture was taken about 12 years ago. So many thoughts flooded my head when I saw this pic. My first thought was "Wow. I look so different. And look how big that smile is. I look like I didn't have a care in the world." I looked thru my phone to find a recent pic of myself to compare it to this one. Here is a pic from Friday night.
Now as you look at this picture you are probably thinking "Umm...looks like the same person to me." But as you look at the two pictures you see that 1. I have considerably less hair. 2. Look at the size of my chest! Good grief! 3. I am considerably smaller in the first pic. As I look at the two images, I see a tale of two Kendra's. Not just in age, but in life experiences. Let me introduce to each one of them.
The first Kendra. She is a very shy girl. She loves to read. Some of her favorites include Eric Jerome Dickey, Zane, Carl Weber, and Terry Mcmillan. Her self confidence is not the greatest, but she doesn't let it show. In the pic, she is smiling so brightly. Brightly to hide the pain.She is smaller, not because of diet and exercise, but because she is sick. She has Crohn's. A very severe case of it. She is weighing a very heavy decision. Does she have the surgery that will remove her colon and place her with a permanent ileostomy? Or does she leave her diseased colon in so that she won't have to wear a "bag" the rest of her life? She knows that the decision she makes may dictate the rest of her life, but she is too worried about boys. She is dating, but no one serious. She lives at home with her parents. She can only work part time because of her illness. She goes to church every Sunday and she prays every day. She is hopeful, but she is depressed. Will she ever get better? Since she has been 12, she has been sick. She doesn't know what it's like to be in remission. She was homeschooled for the majority of high school. The geeky girl who sleeps with a bear named Snuggles. He provides her comfort when her friends aren't around. He has always been there for her. Since the day she picked him out of a box of toys. She knew theirs would be a friendship that would last forever. Every time she was in the hospital, he had to be there. He was her comfort. The only thing that kept her company when she was feeling down. She has friends, but they don't come around much when she is sick. She shuts them out. They don't know what it is like to be the "sick girl." Thoughts of suicide run thru her mind. It would be easier on her parents. Not having to take care of a sick child for possibly the rest of their lives. She doesn't want this to be her life, but hope is starting to dwindle. She goes to a therapist, but he doesn't listen. He thinks she needs to be committed. She is a danger to herself. Her dad refuses to have her committed. In a conversation with her doctor, her father says "If you fix her body, she will fix her mental. Her mood is based on her illness. You make her well, she will get better." He believed she would get better. But did she believe it?
The second Kendra. She is still shy, but she has come out of her shell. She still loves to read, but her favorites have changed. Bell Hooks, Patricia Hill Collins, and Audre Lord are now sitting on her bookshelf. Her self confidence is not the greatest, but she doesn't let it show. She could still be sick. But she isn't. She is in remission. Has been in remission for 15 years. She decided to have the surgery. She now sports a "bag" she affectionately named "Lisa." Why you ask? Even she doesn't really know. She just likes that name. She hasn't dated in a long time. She still has anxiety about her ostomy, but she knows that if a guy can't accept Lisa, then he can't accept Kendra. It is a package deal. Kendra had to have a hysterectomy when she turned 30. Another hard decision she had to face in her young life. She had to have two surgeries to get rid of two very large Volleyball sized cysts. If she made the decision to keep her lady parts, she would have kept getting cysts and ran the risk of having ovarian cancer. She lives by herself in a whole new city. She is able to finally hold down a full time job. Snuggles is at home with her parents. She still misses him, but she knows that he is well taken care of. She still gets depressed, but not because of her illness. Her job puts her thru changes, but she is thankful that she has one. She can't get those lost, sick years back, but she knows that she needs to live her life to the fullest now. As she looks at the first picture, she sees a woman who is strong, determined, intelligent, and hopeful. She wouldn't change the journey she has been on. Would she like to be that size again? Sure, but she likes her size now. Her hair is way shorter, but she likes rocking the short, natural look. And the boobs? Well, let's just say she thinks that the doctor gave her boob job when she had her hysterectomy. "Let's take out the ovaries and give her breasts. That'll be a fair trade."
As I sit here and look at both pictures again, I look at the smile. Even in sickness and in health, my smile is still wide. Through good times and in bad, my smile is still wide. The two Kendras have been on incredible journeys, but at the end of the day, the smile is still wide. As Groucho Marx said, "Smile though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow. Smile and maybe tomorrow, You'll see the sun come shining through for you."
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