Big issue #1. I have an ileostomy. An ilestomy is an opening of the ileum which is part of the small intestine. To break it down even further, I poop in a bag that is placed on my abdomen.Most people are not aware I have it. You can't see it unless I am wearing a short shirt or unless I have eaten something that gives me 300 lbs of gas (which happens). The name of my ileostomy is Lisa. The reason for my ostomy is that I have Crohn's disease. I was diagnosed with Crohn's when I was 12 years old and I have had 4 surgeries to combat it. Crohn's disease is an auto immune disorder. Auto immune disorders in this group include AIDS, Lupus, Graves disease and many more. what that means is that your immune fights itself. it doesnt know the good bacteria from the bad bacteria so it kills it all. Crohn's can affect anywhere in the digestive system. from the mouth to the anus. I have been very blessed. I am currently in remission and have been since 2001. I dont look at my ostomy as a big issue but I know that when it comes to dating, it is very hard to explain to someone that i have it and why. One of the reasons I dont get close to men is because of my ostomy. I hate having to explain what is going on with me for fear of being rejected or being looked at as a sick person. I know that I should give guys a chance but I dont want to put my heart out there. I know that there is someone out there who will accept me for me, but until that time I will remain closed off and single.
Big issue #2. Crohn's disease has tons of complications. I know of some people who have arthirits, liver issues, and women who have reproductive issues. I am on of those lucky women who has reproductive issues. I have had 2 surgeries because of my ovaries. I had a very large ovarian cyst. it was described as being the size of a volleyball. I had surgery to remove it .about 6 years later I got sick again, I found that I had another ovarian cyst. This time it was slighter larger than a volleyball. If you think about it, I was pretty much pregnant. My ob/gyn told me that I had one of two choices. either get the cyst drained and have it come back again or have a complete hysterectomy. I had some thinking to do. I talked to my parents and I talked to God. I came to the conclusion that it was best that I have a complete hysto. Meaning removal of all my reproductive organs and going into early menopause. All of this right before my 30th birthday. So now, I am unable to have children. This is also another reason why it is hard to get close to a guy. I have to eventually tell them that I cant have children. So now I have two issues that could be game changers for most men.
Big issue #3. My weight. When I was sick, my lowest weight was 90 lbs. I am 5'9. Trust me it looked terrible. Currently I am 256 lbs. A big contrast. I am pretty proportioned or so I think. I have huge thighs and my waist is small but I got wide hips. I guess I could be considered an hour glass. Oh and I have huge boobs. Now to some guys that visual is kind of on point but to me i look in the mirror and it screams fat. my blood pressure is good, i dont have diabetes, but I know if i keep going down this path of gaining weight i will end up with diabetes high cholesterol or blood pressure issues. I know that I need to make a change. Getting is hard. Especially with my food intake. I dont eat alot, its just the quality of food that i eat. I dont eat seafood, i eat way too much beef, not enough fruits and veggies and dont let me get started on soda. working out has never been a big deal to me. the only problems that i have with working out is certain exercises that i cant do because of my ostomy such as any kind of abdominal exercises such as planking and push ups. anything that pulls that area herinates it. I cant lift over 30 lbs that also herinates. I know that there are other workouts that i can do to lose weight. I just have to get my food together. It seems like I have too many excuses as to why i am not on the weight lose journey.
To sum it all up, fear of rejection and feat of change has always been the two things that have held me back for the majority of my life. I know that change begins with me. I just have to have the will to do it. To put myself out there and if I get hurt, it happens. it is a part of a life. doesnt mean it has to defeat me. just pick myself up and keep on going.
It is time to hold myself accountable. to not be afraid of making changes in my life that can make me happier. every day that i awake should be a happy day because its another day that god has saw fit me for me to continue to be here. the first two issues i can do nothing about but I dont have to be ashamed of them. I can hold me head high and say yes i have these things but they dont define me. I can control my weight by making small changes in my eating lifestyle and incorporating more exercise into my day. today i claim that I can be the change that I want to see.
Whomever took the time to read this i appreciate it. it was really hard for me to open up. there were tears shed as i wrote this. but maybe just maybe my transparency will help someone else open up about their issues. Believe me, it helps.
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