Dr. Strangegirl or How I Learned to Embrace My Individualism

I haven't blogged in a month of Sundays. I told myself I was going to take more time to blog. This blog post came after some early morning Sunday reflection period.

I love Micheal W. Smith. Here is a contemporary Christian singer. There is a song that he sings that is played on my one of my favorite radio stations. The name of the song is called "My place in this world." The chorus talks about roaming through the night trying to find our place in this world. That's all we trying to do. Find out where we fit in, where we belong, why we are here. There's not a day that goes by that I wonder where do I fit in. What group do I belong to?

I have always been "different." I slept with a teddy bear until I was 30. I still watch cartoons. I get excited when I eat cupcakes. I have an obsession with Superman. I get chill bumps when I see college football traditions or hear John Facinda narrating NFL films. I spent alot of my life trying to figure where I fit in. What group do I belong to? It really took me awhile to figure out and I am still trying to figure where I fit in. I think I have found the answer, the Holy Grail of answers.

I fit in nowhere. Now, I know you are thinking, Dang why didnt you get to the point like 5 mins ago. Could have saved me some time. It took me a long time to realize I am my own person. I don't have to fit in to a box. I can be whomever I want to be. Either embrace it or get to stepping. It is human to want to belong to something, to fit in. People will shun you if you dont fit into the norms. I think that if we started embracing our individualism more than excluding those who dont fit into boxes, the world will would be less judgemental.

We are too busy trying to put people in square holes, when we are all triangles, circles, trapezoids, and pentagons. We are all different and that's ok. Everyone should do their own funky thing and not be talked about because of it.

Alot of my life I tried to fit in. To be accepted. I had to like what everyone else liked, because what I liked wasn't cool. I had a phase of trying to be really girly. Makeup, heels the whole 9. I had my rap phase. All i listened to was rap music. I have had all kinds of phases to fit in with others, to be more accepted. And lets not discuss how many phases I went through with trying to meet guys. I would change myself to fit into their mold of the kind of woman they would want. I met a guy who liked fit women, so I exercised all the time to lose weight. I met a real bible thumper, so I molded myself into this christian woman who didnt curse and knew the bible backwards and forwards. I conformed to things that I were not me. To fit in, to belong.

I believe in God. My belief in God has gotten me through some tough times. God has different names depending on who you talk to. The God that I believe didnt make us alike and thats ok. We are all different shapes, colors, and beliefs. If he/she wanted us to look alike, we would. We all have different ways of thinking, of communicating, and that's ok.

So in embracing my individualism, let me tell you who this individual is:

1. Loves sports.
2. Reads feminist theory.
3. Embraces 70's culture
4. Believes that if Donny Hathaway and Nina Simone had a child, it would be her.
5. Has the coolest ostomy in the world named Lisa
6. Really wants to date outside her race
7. Has to chew gum constantly because she is still going through her Freudian oral stage
8. Can watch Annie Hall and Blazing Saddles every day for the rest of her life.
9. Really does watch alot of TV
10. knows lots of useless trivial knowledege and wonders why she hasnt been on any game show to use these talents.

So, there you have it. That's who this individual is. embrace your own individualism. Don't put yourself in a box. You were meant to stand out.

Transparency

Today's blog is about transparency. I am usually pretty opaque meaning that I keep alot of things hid from people. I have always been  a pretty secretive person. Even around the people that claim that they know me the best. I am going to be transparent about 3 big issues in my life. I feel like this will be a good way for me to heal and maybe I can help someone else out there. So here goes. Kendra being transparent.

Big issue #1. I have an ileostomy. An ilestomy is an opening of the ileum which is part of the small intestine. To break it down even further, I poop in a bag that is placed on my abdomen.Most people are not aware I have it. You can't see it unless I am wearing a short shirt or unless I have eaten something that gives me 300 lbs of gas (which happens). The name of my ileostomy is Lisa. The reason for my ostomy is that I have Crohn's disease. I was diagnosed with Crohn's when I was 12 years old and I have had 4 surgeries to combat it. Crohn's disease is an auto immune disorder. Auto immune disorders in this group include AIDS, Lupus, Graves disease and many more. what that means is that your immune fights itself. it doesnt know the good bacteria from the bad bacteria so it kills it all. Crohn's can affect anywhere in the digestive system. from the mouth to the anus. I have been very blessed. I am currently in remission and have been since 2001. I dont look at my ostomy as a big issue but I know that when it comes to dating, it is very hard to explain to someone that i have it and why. One of the reasons I dont get close to men is because of my ostomy. I hate having to explain what is going on with me for fear of being rejected or being looked at as a sick person. I know that I should give guys a chance but I dont want to put my heart out there. I know that there is someone out there who will accept me for me, but until that time I will remain closed off and single.

Big issue #2. Crohn's disease has tons of complications. I know of some people who have arthirits, liver issues, and women who have reproductive issues. I am on of those lucky women who has reproductive issues. I have had 2 surgeries because of my ovaries. I had a very large ovarian cyst. it was described as being the size of a volleyball. I had surgery to remove it .about 6 years later I got sick again, I found that I had another ovarian cyst. This time it was slighter larger than a volleyball. If you think about it, I was pretty much pregnant. My ob/gyn told me that I had one of two choices. either get the cyst drained and have it come back again or have a complete hysterectomy. I had some thinking to do. I talked to my parents and I talked to God. I came to the conclusion that it was best that I have a complete hysto. Meaning removal of all my reproductive organs and going into early menopause. All of this right before my 30th birthday. So now, I am unable to have children. This is also another reason why it is hard to get close to a guy. I have to eventually tell them that I cant have children. So now I have two issues that could be game changers for most men. 

Big issue #3. My weight. When I was sick, my lowest weight was 90 lbs. I am 5'9. Trust me it looked terrible. Currently I am 256 lbs. A big contrast.  I am pretty proportioned or so I think. I have huge thighs and my waist is small but I got wide hips. I guess I could be considered an hour glass. Oh and I have huge boobs. Now to some guys that visual is kind of on point but to me i look in the mirror and it screams fat. my blood pressure is good, i dont have diabetes, but I know if i keep going down this path of gaining weight i will end up with diabetes high cholesterol or blood pressure issues. I know that I need to make a change. Getting is hard. Especially with my food intake. I dont eat alot, its just the quality of food that i eat. I dont eat seafood, i eat way too much beef, not enough fruits and veggies and dont let me get started on soda. working out has never been a big deal to me. the only problems that i have with working out is certain exercises that i cant do because of my ostomy such as any kind of abdominal exercises such as planking and push ups. anything that pulls that area herinates it. I cant lift over 30 lbs that also herinates. I know that there are other workouts that i can do to lose weight. I just have to get my food together. It seems like I have too many excuses as to why i am not on the weight lose journey. 

To sum it all up, fear of rejection and feat of change has always been the two things that have held me back for the majority of my life. I know that change begins with me. I just have to have the will to do it. To put myself out there and if I get hurt, it happens. it is a part of a life. doesnt mean it has to defeat me.  just pick myself up and keep on going. 

It is time to hold myself accountable. to not be afraid of making changes in my life that can make me happier. every day that i awake should be a happy day because its another day that god has saw fit me for me to continue to be here. the first two issues i can do nothing about but I dont have to be ashamed of them. I can hold me head high and say yes i have these things but they dont define me. I can control my weight by making small changes in my eating lifestyle and incorporating more exercise into my day. today i claim that I can be the change that I want to see.

Whomever took the time to read this i appreciate it. it was really hard for me to open up. there were tears shed as i wrote this. but maybe just maybe my transparency will help someone else open up about their issues. Believe me, it helps. 

The conversations that no one wants to have..

Yesterday, I was watching "Orange is the New Black" on Netflix on my cell phone(totally check this out. Really well written), my phone beeped saying that the jury has come back with a verdict. I   immediately put the show on pause and turned over to CNN to see the verdict being read live. In my head, I knew that George Zimmerman would be found not guilty, but in my heart I wanted to believe that he would be found guilty. As soon as I heard the verdict of not guilty, my heart sank. I became angry. Then, I became sad. I wondered why the jury in itself convicted trayvon of committing assault even though he was not the aggressor. I was sad that another child (and yes he was a child) had to die due to gun violence. I was sad that another black male had to die for no reason. 

Last night as I was watching FOX News and Geraldo said "tragedy does not equal crime." Let's dissect this. Was sandy hook not a tragedy and a crime. What about the shootings in aurora? Or the countless other massive shootings this country has had to endure. So yes, in some instances, tragedy does equal crime. 

There are other trayvon martins out there. Targeted because of assumptions. When will this end? When we be able to sit down at the table and have an honest conversation about gun violence? About race?  Until we recognize that these issues do exist, we will never be able to move towards a solution.

The Randomness that is My Life (now brought to you in cinemascope): Breaking down the walls of confirmity

The Randomness that is My Life (now brought to you in cinemascope): Breaking down the walls of confirmity: This is my first post in awhile. I'm doing my blog completely over because I have a lot to say. And I promise my blogs won't be supe...

Breaking down the walls of confirmity

This is my first post in awhile. I'm doing my blog completely over because I have a lot to say. And I promise my blogs won't be super long. Statistics show the average attention span is around like 10 mins. This blog will be a 5 minute blog. So kick back and relax as we delve into the randomness of Kendra's life.

Breaking down the walls of confirmity

I have been on meetup for around a year. I decided to join like 6 groups just because I was bored. I have never attended one meeting. Reasons being for because of my work schedule, if I was in Kentucky or not or just plain old scared. Let's delve into the scared part, shall we. I am extremely awkward. Like this awkward:

If you have never seen Awkward Black girl, where have you been? This show is freaking awesome. This particular episode has our heroine Jay at a party where she knows no one, but her boyfriend White Jay. Her friend Cece tags along, but ditches her to hang out with one of White Jay's friends, leaving Jay all alone. The way Jay felt at this party is how I feel when I am placed in social settings where I have no choice, but to talk to people. I never know what to say. Besides Hi My name is Kendra, I mean what can you follow that up with. And if people are already having a convo and you come up and interrupt, do you automatically jump in the convo?

Well, I decided to take a leap of faith. I RSVP'd to my first event. A meetup at Flying Saucer with the New to Nashville and Not So New to Nashville. I had never been to Flying Saucer plus added bonus, its right down the street from where I work. I asked my friend/co-worker Liz to go so I would at least have one person I could talk to.

As I am driving to Flying Saucer, my stomach is in knots. I'm thinking what in the holy hell have you gotten yourself into Kendra. I park and meet Liz at the door. We walk in and have a seat at the table. The co-organizer greets us and lets us know about the specials and introduces around to a few folks. At this point, I know I need alcohol so I order a beer. To give a little background on the venue, they have over 100 different beers. I am not much for beer other than Budweiser, but I am willing to try something new. One guy came up and introduced his self and he talked to us briefly. You could tell the people who were new and those who weren't. Those who were new kind of hung in a group, while the people who had been in the group for awhile, were in their own group. Me and Liz just hung back. And also let me add that we were the only black people in the room.

A young lady named Ani comes up and talks to us. It was her first meetup too. She expressed her nervousness too and how hard it was for her to strike up a convo. It was cool to talk to someone else who was just as nervous as I was. Me and Ani decided to go around and start speaking to people. We introduced ourselves to a few people and slowly my nervousness ended. Ani's husband had accompanied her and we stood and talked for awhile. They were such a cute couple and super nice people. Me and Ani exchanged numbers so we can hang out again. They had to leave because she had to study. After they left, I went around, introduced myself to a few more people, and joined in a few more conversations. And I did this all by myself. Liz was talking to a group of people and I went over and introduced myself to them.

It was soon time for me to leave because the draft was on. I found the co-organizer and told her that I had a great time and that I will be attending more meetups. She told me that everyone was saying how nice and friendly I was. In my head, I was doing the dance. This is the dance:

I was so proud of myself. I had finally stepped outside of my comfort zone. I was able to go up to people, introduce myself, and not feel awkward. Now if I can only approach single guys.....Hmmmmmm